The Plan for Today

This morning is a brand new morning and I have taken advantage of it, for the first time in a long time. After driving my Fiance to work I decided instead of going back to bed I would set up my rebounder (mini trampoline) and start a work out regime . It wasn't a long workout, but it is one of many. My goal is each day to do: 15 minute sessions 3 times a day. What times?
~After I drive Ari to work @ 7am
~When I get home for lunch @ 11:45am
~After School @ 3:30pm
So in total I will be rebounding for 45 minutes a day. With the exception of Sunday - maybe the pool? or a walk? I haven't decided quite yet but my Sunday's will be more of a rest day than anything.

Starting today as well, I will be writing in a food journal to see what kind of things I am really putting in my body without realizing it. I am a unconscious and compulsive eater, I dont think about what I am eating ( how it tastes or makes me feel) and how much I am eating ( a couple chips or a whole bag?!?!)

I have had issuses with my stomache since I can't even remember. Constant doctors visits and hospitalizations, and the doctors couldn't tell me that there was anything wrong. Some said Crones, others said ulcers. I have had way too many scopes, tests, scans and x-rays, and I am sick of it LITERALLY! So with everything I eat I will write down how it makes me feel. Not only if it hurts my stomache but also if it makes me feel tired, over energetic, maybe even nothing. And I will track all of these things and see what kind of results I recieve.

Have The Best Day Ever!

A Holiday to End All Doubts

Oh yes, I survived. Maybe a few pounds gained (haven't unpacked my scale so we will see) but I am feeling renewed and at ease with myself and the transformation I am going through. I was able to see all of my very supportive immediate family members ( my mom, dad, older brother, little sister, and my Baba & Deda (grandma & grandpa) and my Fiance's side of the family - because Ari wasn't able to come with me).

Living so far from home really gets me down (as it would anyone). Not seeing the ones you hold dear and look for when in need of a little reassurance, really puts a damper on me. But seeing them at Christmas was amazing and refreshing. I have a bright sense of purpose and determination to thrive and make the most of my day to day wins and loses ( mostly wins! )

My Fiance, Ari is seeing the changes and how I am committed to my new life of health and wellness and he is being so amazing and supportive. :) It's so nice to have that recognition from someone I love so dearly. Things were a little tense when I left for Holidays but they are quite great and we are spending more time together as a couple and less time together as house mates.

I can hardly wait to be married to Ari, he shows me how great of a person I am and my unlimited potential. One of the biggest reasons for me loosing weight is because I made a Promise to myself and to Ari that I would not be overweight, unhealthy, or haggard for our wedding.
~I am going to fit in my perfect wedding dress!
~I am going to dance all night!
~I am going to wear fabulous high heel shoes and my feet will feel like I'm wearing none!
~I will be so beautiful that Ari will want to cry :) (this one probably won't happen cuz Ari ain't a cryer lol )
~The only dilemma I will face will be how everything I wear looks so good that I won't be able to decide what to put on!
~I will be slim and fit and the most beautiful woman there ( minus my mommy :) cuz she is so beautiful!)

~I will be all of this... for me! and a little bit for Ari too :)

AAAACHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

I have a really nasty cold or flu or something along those lines. My ears are popping, my head hurts, my nose is stuffed and then it wont stop running! I am coughing up mucus and sneezing out snot! I am not ammused. Another unamusing thing is that tomorrows temperature in Melville is going to be -22! ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!!!! The heat in my suite doesn't work as it is, so now I'm going to be sick and freezing. Maybe an upside to feeling ichy is I don't have to go to school! YAY

Full Scale Attack!

Yeasterday I went to Canadian Tire and I bought a scale :) it was VERY expensive on my small budget. It measures more than just my weight but it does a body analysis ( body fat in pounds, bmi, bone mass, body water, weight from start, wieght from last weigh in, and weight to lose till you get to your goal.... which it defaults at 10%). I brought it home and it wouldn't work! I called the customer service number and she told me to use the instuctions basically backwards..... I tried that and it still didn't work. Eventually I came to the conclusion that what I was doing was setting my goal weight to big. I was putting it down to 135 lbs and when I did that It would say ERR and turn off. So I reset my user on the scale so that my goal weight was the default 10% and then it started to work :) except it still won't read my water and my bone mass but I'll figure that out later :) I'm just happy that it works all the rest of the buttons.

PICTURES!!!

Today I thought that I should put some pictures that I took today. Its gotta be done! I thought I would show you a recent face picture first because I think its pretty :) and because I didn't have any recent pictures of me on here...

I took this one just a moment ago so that I had a recent picture :)

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And here is what my whole body looks like right now. (just taken today)

The worst angle possible! but later it will really show how far I've come. (taken right before the photo above)

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Looking at the picture of my body that I have been so desperately hiding for my whole life, makes me think...

I ACTUALLY HAVE A REALLY NICE BODY! Not this big but if I were to take off all the weight then I would be ridiculously good looking. Its not that I am a hideous beast, I just have a flaw that can easily be dealt with. All I need is some self control on my part.

Plus: I need to buy a scale. I can't progress if I don't know where I'm at. Silly me :)

The Measurements

So I went to the doctor yesterday to have my weight checked and now I know where I stand and what I have to work with.

As of Friday November 28th 2008

Current Weight: 292.4 lbs
Height: 5 feet 6 inches
Chest: 47 inches
Waist: 48 1/2 inches
Hips: 55 1/2 inches
Left Arm: 16 1/2 inches
Left Leg: 35 inches

Slightly embarrassed and not at all shocked, I realized how far I let myself go. It makes me wonder why I would let this emotionally damaged part of my life go untreated for so long. I know that I knowing is half the battle, it can only get better from here, life goes on, if you can't succeed try,try again.... its just that I wish I had started this a long time ago!

In the last year I moved away from home with my mother to live with my dad, then moved back to living with my mom, back to my dad's, then recently being shipped off to Saskatchewan with my fiance, Ari. Through this time my weight has ballooned. I went from 235 lbs to my weight right now (292.4 lbs) gaining 57.4 lbs in the last year... gosh... Well I've let my bad habits and my emotional eating take over my life.

I don't want to admit it but I am not just overweight, but Obese. My BMI (Body Mass Index) is at 47.2 when it should be 18.5 - 24.9 which in turn means that I should weigh about
120 - 150 lbs (give or take a couple of lbs) in order for me not to be at risk for some pretty nasty diseases and illnesses. Not to mention looking smokin' hot!

I have been looking around at some of my options: like taking a weight loss program, getting a trainer and nutritionist, going to counseling in combination with meditation and looking after my well being through yoga and journaling and time reflection, portion control, starting a walking group in town with some of the ladies that come into my work on a regular basis, rebounding (mini trampoline), going to the gym or an all women's gym, going to OA meetings (Overeater's Anonymous), getting a exercise machine and working out at home, or all of them.

The only down fall is the money issue. Some programs cost a ridiculous amount of money and hiring specialists cost lots too. But its my health and I have probably spent more money on stuffing my face with nutrition-less, sugar loaded junk food than I could ever spend on a program. I look at it this way.... I could keep spending money on things NO ONE needs to make myself sort of feel better (which in the long run will only make me feel worst and gain even more weight) or use that same money and put it towards something that is going to change my life so dramatically that I won't need those tasteless, calorie filled pitfalls EVER AGAIN!

My weight loss journey is more than a physical one, the core is deeply emotional. Dealing with stresses, problems, and traumatic experiences that I have been covering up with food for years is not my ideal way of solving this issue but I feel its the only way. Facing my demons and really taking a deep down look at myself, will be a rude awakening but I have to realize that its not that I am fat, for the sake of being fat... but that I am overweight because I have let my escape from reality be food. In order for me to allow my emotions to let go of the weight, I must let go of my emotions.

The Background Story

Here is a picture of me (far left) when I was living in the Bulkley Valley. Either in grade 5 or 6. As you can see I have always been a little overweight and it made me very aware of my body and my dislike for it. Ever since I can remember, I have looked down on my body as something ugly and undesirable. Using food to make me feel better but always feeling worse after. Its not that I was an ugly child, I think it was the constant nagging of relatives and people I was close to that made me want to do the opposite of what I should be doing. When they told me to stop eating I would keep on binging on whatever I could get my hands on. I dont really understand why I insitead on being a deviant child when it came to food. When I think deep down about it..... I think I felt that it was the only aspect of my life that I could control. Everything else I had no choice about. I still struggle with the belief that I am being controlled and I constantly make food the number one thing I reach for when I get those feelings.